Valentine’s Love for the Baeless

First written February 12, 2015 by Zakiya Jackson

Now let me be clear.

I’m talmbout Valentine’s Day Love when you baeless or you FEEL baeless even though you wit somebody.

I have listened to married or coupled folk talk about that special form of isolation that happens when you married but you still lonely. Like deep, piercing, wake you up in the night loneliness.

Ohhhhhhh. That is gut wrenching my people.

Loneliness in whatever form, however, is not easy. This is for those of us who manage it as a regular part of our lives. For you, my beloved fellow baeless out there — whether or not you are technically single.

I’m not a hater. I actually like Valentine’s Day. Though it is horribly capitalistic in nature, I’m a lover and enjoy excuses to love on folks. Make up a day to spend money on people and tell them how you feel about them? I’m down for the cause. 🙂

I also think there’s some hype that can get messy and not good on this day. And some pressure that I don’t really care for. We can fabricate things — and I’m trying to be here for authenticity.

Example.

Years ago my boyfriend at the time went through great lengths to make sure he gave me a wonderful Valentine’s Day. It was very thoughtful and very sweet. However — it didn’t fill my heart with love and ushy gushy mushy stuff. Why?

Because our relationship in general was not affirming for me. I didn’t realize it at the time — but I did not feel very good about myself in the context of that relationship. He was a good guy — but he wasn’t good for me and he had a way of jarring my self-worth because I was not his ideal. I felt like I was never enough. He was so suspicious of me and my affection. He needed more and more. He was trying to make me just right and I was trying to be myself and it was messy.

I’m not talking about the hard work that relationships take — they do. This was messy because I was trying to provide for him in a way that a woman can’t. I can give a lot of love — but I can’t entirely fill up a man’s soul with what he needs. And I was wrong for trying.

So all the pomp and circumstance about V-Day didn’t help that. I wasn’t baeless — but I was still lonely. I felt special but not especially loved.

Ya know what I mean?

Okay so now I’m baeless. I can be Zakiya all day everyday with myself.

🙂

And with my world. It’s dope — surely. And I am ever progressing in that.

This freedom enunciates loneliness too though.

There’s a need in me to be seen and experienced in an affirming way — the same need I had with my ex.

So…what do we do about that yall? How do we get what we need as humans?

Whelp — here’s my little list

1. Let myself and my God fill me in ways only we can. So I don’t try to get men or friends or family to fill my soul in only ways that I can do myself or that only God can do. That continues to be a mind-bender folks. But if I can distinguish those feelings, those desires, those deep needs and sense when it’s something for me and God to handle, it clears the way to receive from others what they are able to give. I’ve not been able to do this without intentional self-care.
2. Develop healthy intimacy with friends and family. Even if you have a bae, they can’t fulfill all your emotional and social needs. We gotta have a tribe — even if it’s just a couple people. We need to have people that we text or call or email with our vulnerabilities. Not just that we can call — but that we actually do call. And they do the same with us. Chemistry on this is important. Some people mean well — but don’t speak to us in ways we can receive — so I think on that. I have some friends who love me to pieces, but don’t like emotion — so they aren’t the best ones for me to bring emotion to when I need response. This has required me to become more thoughtful…even strategic…about relationships and intimacy.
3. Party like a rockstar. I mean at least from time to time, yah nuh? You aren’t too old to twerk. Okay maybe you are… Ha! Hilarious. Seriously though, have fun. Dress up, dress down, whatever is awesome for you. Be silly. Slay. I did recently and it was fabulous. Okay the dancing part was just in my room — I really did go hard in the paint dancing in my room. Hahaha. The point is — sometimes it’s easy to grind away and not for real for real cut lose. It takes some of the grit off of life — and in a way connects me back to myself…and possibly others too. And yep, that helps with the loneliness.

This song is good for dancing — in or out of your room. And that’s EXACTLY what I feel like when I dance — a little ole earthquake. 😉

​​SMLXL

That’s it. It’s my little list. It’s not the key to life. It’s just how I’m managing my own loneliness.

Ohhhh shiiiizzzniittttt. There is one more thing y’all. Sigh. This one is harder and I’m not sure what to do about it.

When you are in a relationship, there is someone around to grab your hand and pull you in close to them or walk with you across the street or just be still and hold.

your.

hand.

Or sit next to you on the couch and rest their hand on your knee.

Touch the small of your back when you are in public together.

Kiss the top of your forehead and hold you close because you are sad or tired or cold or hangry. Lol

Look into your eyes for a long time just cause they like to look at you and move a piece of hair out of your face or grab a piece of nothing off your shirt.

Those are all ways the other person can recognize you without saying any words. And that’s nice. I miss it. It doesn’t have to be a bae who does those things. It’s just more likely to happen in the world of baeness. Or if you have children perhaps.

I miss that recognition. And I don’t have a list for handling that beloved.

Happy Valentine’s Day dear ones. There’s still a lot of lovin’ to give and receive — I won’t stop just because I don’t have all the answers.

And I’ll try not to substitute the partying like a rockstar for those wordless intangibles I mentioned. It won’t work anyways. 🙂